Some thoughts while doing the work with women facing violence in their intimate relationships.

It's a delicate line between asking a woman what she wants and telling her what's good for her. It is something I learned the hard way (and got trained) as a women's advocate while working with women who seek out help.

Initially- after the first feelings of "doing-good" you get to another plane where you see a pattern of women going back to abusive relationships (with good reasons- stigma, children, financial stability -and those are real ones). Then all you want to do is be there for them. Be there. Be there. Without judgement.

Secondly, as an advocate- you take a few calls everyday and meet a few women; a lot of them desperately seeking help and sometimes asking for shelter. You need to have a better handle on your own understanding about the fact that you are not the judge of what is to be the right thing for someone else's life. Meaning you counsel as a peer and not as a "helper" or a "fixer" of problems. The training I did as a women's advocate will stay with me forever. All women come from a place of social inequity and are almost always told (by the mother, sibling, friend, co worker etc) to adjust and compromise- and this surprisingly cuts across race, culture, ethnicity and/or class. It is a given in their lives and so when they seek out help- the way to do it is to ask them what they want. It is a difficult process but a process nevertheless that brings out solutions. Solutions that may not be ideal in your opinion but to be sure, they are the way out that the women will choose. Whatever they might be. It is important to recognize that we are not the "doers of good" or helpers. We are a mere provider of a "vent" a kvetching machine- a service.
You keep moving on with no attachment to the outcome because that's what the woman wants and each one is unique.

To not get mixed up and not be judgmental is another outcome of this training. Now if all women can be supportive to each other (without judgement)- that will be the day!

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